So I'm running a new campaign with Mall Rats.
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There's no response, it's just a heap of plushies.
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The Burbank-Fullerton Supercenter
The three explorers wake up in a massive pile of stuffed animals. Above them, the hole they fell through stretches what seems like an impossibly far distance to the surface. Looking around, they see that the room they are in has a single exit - a closed door barricated by a small wooden shelf - and a reading nook occupied by a pile of human bones on a beanbag chair.
Addison quickly begins appraising the stuffed animals, packing the 7 most valuable into his suit jacket, while Rover examines the hole with his binoculars.
Naomi checks the reading nook, finding a stack of picture books, a broken basaeball bat, and a backpack near the skeleton. She notices that the skeleton seemingly died holding a book. Perhaps that was the cause of death? Disregarding that possibility, Naomi begins to read *Giggle With The Wiggle Man*.
> The book tells the story of The Wiggle Man, a man rendered in bright red who is the self-proclaimed best wiggler around. After losing in a wiggle-off, he runs away forever.
Addison says something that sounds like an Elvis impression, pushes the barricade away from the door, and peers out of the room with his flashlight.
The door opens onto a dark hallway. To the right, a brightly-colored display advertising a light-up, portable karaoke machine (currently playing dischordant, random semi-musical noises). To the left, a line of ride-on electric cars leads around a corner.
As Rover climbs into the rearmost electric car, Addison takes the opportunity to advertise his excellent deals, using the karaoke machine to declare that Products are for sale.
Marching around the corner, six soldier action figures approach Addison.
> State your business, citizen!
Addison's business is making sales, of course, so he begins to negotiate a deal. First he tries a bag of marbles, then a stuffed animal - no dice. A new camoflage treatment, however, piques the soldiers' interest. He sprays each of them with a hasty coating of green spray paint and in return, a promise of protection in this dangerous warzone. Three of the soldiers (Michael, Michael, and Michael) return to base to report as the other three (Michael, Michael, and Michael) stay with the Mall Rats.
At this point, Rover decides to try and turn on his new ride. Sadly, the vehicle seems out of commission. Addison decides to try each other car in the line, but none of those work either. He does find three granola bars in one of them - lucky!
As Addison heads down the line, he sees that the front car is occupied - a short and portly red-and-white clown has it parked in front of a small plastic house (the sort that would sit in someone's backyard for kids and black widows to play in). He's deeply pondering a piece of paper taped to the house. It reads, "Menu: Burger $5, Shake $5."
Addison attempts to clamber around and into the house. The clown protests thsi obvious line-cutting, but Addison reassures the fool that he is an employee late for work. Thinking quickly, Addison flips the menu around, painting a new one with spraypaint: "Granola Bar $5."
The clown remarks on the lack of options on the menu and buys a granola bar, paying for it with a colorful piece of play money. After a beat, he gets a little emotional.
> Thank you for playing along. So many people these days just don't get improv.
Tears welling up in his eyes, he pushes a peppermint-shaped lapel pin into Addison's hand - then floors it on his ride-on car, screeching off into the darkness.
Addison pockets the fake five dollars, the 4 real dollars, and presses the lapel pin onto his suit - finding that it sprays seltzer water when squeezed.
Continuing down the hall, they find a door on the left that says "Employees Only".
> Addison: "I'm an Employee."
The door is locked, disappointing and saddening Addison.
The three Michaels warn the group that that door leads to "The Front" - not a place for civilians.
Further on at the end of the hallway sit two treasure chests, one large and one tiny. Swinging in a plastic tree are two plush monkeys - a pink one (Bink Bogan) and a blue one (Burquoise Bogan). Each has a key.
They decline Addison's offer of $10 for $5, as well as his offer of $5 for a key - they keys are free, they insist, as long as you solve their riddle. Or like, more like a dilemma. A moral quandry. A test of character. Something like that.
Bink Bogan has the key to the large treasure chest, (very likely full of treasure) and Burquoise has the key to the small treasure chest (how could anything good fit in there). Choose wisely, for whatever key you do not pick will be forever out of your grasp.
Addison picks up the small treasure chest (it's tiny, and probably worthless) and shakes it to see what it sounds like - no sound at all. Naomi picks up the large treasure chest (huge, probably full of riches) - and immediately drops it, making a loud noise.
Addison has a clever idea, asking Burquoise which key he'd choose.
> I already have a key.
Addison has a clever rephrasing, asking Burqoise if he'd trade keys with Bink, given the option.
> Oh, good idea.
Bink and Burquoise trade keys.
Rover suddenly notices a bag of trash in the hallway behind them and goes to sniff and maybe chew on it. Suddenly, the Trash jumps into the air as two hairy legs wearing filthy sneakers pop out of the bottom (hitting Rover on the nose for 2 damage).
Addison shouts to the Michaels quickly.
> Defend your country!
As Rover backs up defensively, the Michaels shred through the Trash with their action-packed weaponry.
> Taste my Full-Auto Danger Kalashnikov!
> Taste my Full-Auto Danger Kalashnikov!
> Taste my Spring-Powered Krav Maga Tactical Chop!
The bag falls to the ground next to its two wooden legs, its contents pouring out onto the floor:
- Addison receives a d6 where every side is a 7.
- Naomi receives a bottle of Surge (doubles your speed for one minute)
- Rover receives 5 steel sewing needles.
- Everyone gets $1 each.
- No one wants the battery with a burnt out LED soldered to it.
Finally coming to a decision, Naomi asks the Bogans for the key to the small chest.
> Really? You sure? Ok. Weird choice.
Bink Bogan gives Naomi his key, which was formerly Burquoise's key. Upon inserting the key into the small treasure chest, it is discovered that the keyhole is just a hole, and the chest doesn't actually open.
The key does work on the large treasure chest, however, which contains one Experience Quarter - spend 4 at a vending machine for a bottle of Level Up!
Addison realizes a surprising - but wonderful - truth about Experience Quarters: he is meant to eat them. Naomi disagrees, however, and holds on to the quarter.
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